For those of you just tuning in...you didn't miss much. I am currently on vacation in San Diego and wishing time would slow down. It's crazy how being removed from your life gives you a different outlook on the world around you. I am almost 30 and I'm still growing up. I know that's the case for most people but as my blog suggests, I am a late bloomer. I'm still learning how to love myself exactly as I am, seeking to make changes only if and when I'm unhappy. I'm still unsure of where I want to go in my life. I've spent so much time focused on my "dreams" and how scared I am to pursue them that I've neglected to secure an alternative that will bring me just as much satisfaction. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But this trip has made me feel unsure of my desire to stay where I am indefinitely.
I find myself endlessly amazed at how things change but more importantly, how quickly change can shift perspectives. I used to think that contentment was coming in waves; first with my car and soon with the move to Tina's house. Although I still find that to be true, I suddenly have this sense of fearlessness and curiosity that has completely caught me off guard. I'm tired of letting my life pass me by, tired of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be and when I fail, feeling awful about myself for it. I'm done with the feelings of inadequacy and foolishness, hoping that someone will see past my insecurity to the heart of who I am and accept me for me. This is my time to take chances, learn from my mistakes and create the life I want to live. Some people have been so blessed to have found happiness without having to hunt it down but in my case, I'm ready to fight for it.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
A new chapter...
So, for my second entry, I've decided to acknowledge the way my life has changed over the last month. I got my driver's license, got a car, got some real independence. While I have been go-go-go since then, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Also the company I work for relocated into an absolutely GORGEOUS new facility and I couldn't be happier about the move. While moving, I found myself with computer issues that hindered me from actually doing my work, meanwhile everyone around me was fully operational and then suddenly it dawned on me...I love my job. I am so honored to be where I am professionally, to have been afforded the opportunities that have been placed in front of me and to have been given a chance to grow as the company grows. I wouldn't trade that for anything either. Finally, after testing the waters, it would seem that MM is officially out of my life. (Note: Testing the waters is just a fancier way of saying that I tried speaking to him recently and he won't even reply.) Do I feel rejected? Nope. I feel relieved that he no longer has a firm hold on me. It's like I've finally been set free...and now I have a car to get away in. :) This is the start of something good...*cue Gavin DeGraw*
As I end today's reflection, I just wanted to give some shout outs:
Tina, you inspire me. You are kind, honest, funny as hell, and you take care of the people you love. You are who I want to be when I grow up. :) I love you...forever and always.
EB, you are a phenomenal person and quite frankly, your tiny little body is pissing me off. Please, go eat a brownie so I can feel better about myself. ;)
Krizia, I'm so blessed to have you as a new friend in my life. You are beautiful. Thank you for calling me Boo. :)
Tish, you (like Tina, Sapphie and JuJu) are my sister. You show me what it means to be a strong, fearless, and incredibly gorgeous woman. Thank you. :)
Christine, you are, like these women I've just mentioned, a stunner. But you're also an amazing friend. Thank you for always making me smile. :)
And with that...I'm out!
As I end today's reflection, I just wanted to give some shout outs:
Tina, you inspire me. You are kind, honest, funny as hell, and you take care of the people you love. You are who I want to be when I grow up. :) I love you...forever and always.
EB, you are a phenomenal person and quite frankly, your tiny little body is pissing me off. Please, go eat a brownie so I can feel better about myself. ;)
Krizia, I'm so blessed to have you as a new friend in my life. You are beautiful. Thank you for calling me Boo. :)
Tish, you (like Tina, Sapphie and JuJu) are my sister. You show me what it means to be a strong, fearless, and incredibly gorgeous woman. Thank you. :)
Christine, you are, like these women I've just mentioned, a stunner. But you're also an amazing friend. Thank you for always making me smile. :)
And with that...I'm out!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Should I stay or should I go?
Disclaimer:
So, let me start by saying that I may, quite frequently, find myself eating my words or putting my foot in my mouth, sort of speak. Please pardon me if this happens as this blog will be, for all intents and purposes, a sounding board for all of my thoughts, albeit irrational or passive-aggressive.
That being said...hi! Welcome to my blog. I'm just going to jump right in and say that I may have just had a break through...well, within the last 24 hours or so. My ex, who we will call MM, text me yesterday and asked if there were any job openings where I work...for his girlfriend. A weird question, some may say, if all someone knew about the situation was that we dated, then we broke up, and he then started dating someone else. Nope. MM and I have been sleeping together, on and off, for almost 4 years...while he's been dating another woman.
<pause>
I accept complete responsibility for my contribution to the dysfunction that is the situation between MM and myself. Some may call me a whore, slut, home-wrecker or worse but honestly, unless you've been in my shoes, don't assume you know how it feels to have been where I've been or where I am now. I've made bad decisions but at the end of the day, I am still a good person...just not the brightest. :)
<resume>
So, having been blindsided by the request to find employment for his girlfriend, whom he cheats on with ME, I was naturally speechless but managed to utter a "...nope" response to his text. As of late, I've found it hard to detach from MM, not because I'm still pining for him but because I've got needs that I would rather be satisfied by a man, and he's the only option. But this latest stunt has left me pretty grossed out but unsure of how to proceed. Do I call him out or just let it pass?
So, let me start by saying that I may, quite frequently, find myself eating my words or putting my foot in my mouth, sort of speak. Please pardon me if this happens as this blog will be, for all intents and purposes, a sounding board for all of my thoughts, albeit irrational or passive-aggressive.
That being said...hi! Welcome to my blog. I'm just going to jump right in and say that I may have just had a break through...well, within the last 24 hours or so. My ex, who we will call MM, text me yesterday and asked if there were any job openings where I work...for his girlfriend. A weird question, some may say, if all someone knew about the situation was that we dated, then we broke up, and he then started dating someone else. Nope. MM and I have been sleeping together, on and off, for almost 4 years...while he's been dating another woman.
<pause>
I accept complete responsibility for my contribution to the dysfunction that is the situation between MM and myself. Some may call me a whore, slut, home-wrecker or worse but honestly, unless you've been in my shoes, don't assume you know how it feels to have been where I've been or where I am now. I've made bad decisions but at the end of the day, I am still a good person...just not the brightest. :)
<resume>
So, having been blindsided by the request to find employment for his girlfriend, whom he cheats on with ME, I was naturally speechless but managed to utter a "...nope" response to his text. As of late, I've found it hard to detach from MM, not because I'm still pining for him but because I've got needs that I would rather be satisfied by a man, and he's the only option. But this latest stunt has left me pretty grossed out but unsure of how to proceed. Do I call him out or just let it pass?
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